March 27, 2018

Motherhood: “Are you having another?”

“Are you having another?” 

In the past month alone, I’ve been asked this question several dozen times. Mostly on social media, but a few of those questions have come from family members (like my father) or in some random conversations. The thing is, I get why people ask. From afar or in my own head, I’m also curious about the plans of other moms. Moms I follow on social media and moms I see in real life,  typically those I’m not close with. With my closer friends, these are conversations we have and know each others stances on. Having kids, not wanting kids, fertility struggles, marriage problems, IVF and everything in between. With others, I always wonder (but never ask, unless it comes up in a naturally flowing convo) what their plans are. You just never know what is going on behind closed doors and what that question could bring up. I guess Nate is of the age, turning two in less than one month, of when second babies are considered or already a thing. Especially the case living in NYC, where most women are having their first child later in life.

Yes, it is a conversation Keith and I have been having, especially being in our mid thirties. As a little reminder, Keith and I are both only children, so to us, the thought of raising one child is not this outrageous thing. We didn’t grow up with siblings, yet both of us had wonderful childhoods. And unlike the stereotype, not even for a second, would I consider either of us selfish.  With that being said, I did always wonder what it would be like to have a brother or sister or what it would be like to celebrate the holidays with a ton of family members.

So to answer the questions: yes, we’ve spoke about having another child, but aren’t dead set on one way or the other. A big part of me wants to give Nate a little brother or sister, one of many reasons for having a second. On the contrary, the other part of me is scared sh!tless of rocking our boat. We’ve gotten to a point where we have a really good groove going. Sure, many days are hard  and downright exausting, but for the most part, it’s all fairly under control. Also, Keith and I both thrive off having some alone time, something I know will be a much harder thing when going from 1 to 2. Nate was also the easiest baby, so I’m convinced that we won’t be so lucky the second time around. Obviously, these are just the honest thoughts running through my head, but they’re there and can’t be turned off.

In the end, we’ll see what happens and what’s in the cards for us. At this point, only time will tell!

What has your experience been like? Only if you wish to share, would love to know if you have no kids, multiple kids or are raising an only child.

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91 comments

  • Jane

    My kids are a bit older, with my youngest now 6 and my oldest is 9. Having two kids is definitely more than twice the work. And I get that feeling of not being sure you want to go through the baby phase again because you just got out! We were always set on two. And all the fears you have get erased while you are in the thick of it. My kids were very different babies. One was a bad sleeper one was fantastic. But they are my people and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t imagine my life without them!

  • Mary

    We have one child and get asked all THE TIME!! We are only having one and we honestly get a more shocked look when I say we’re only having one than if I said we weren’t having any at all. People are really thrown by the only child thing!

  • Barbara

    we are at the same point and I don’t know what will be. to be honest I’m afraid if it would be as easy with an other one to manage all.

  • Crystal

    My parent friends always say “having 1 is like having none and having 2 is like having 5!” I wonder if there is truth to this? LOL
    I am married for 3 years, 33 years old and i am CONSTANTLY getting the question. I have no kids yet, but absolutely agree that it is so inappropriate to ask unless it comes up naturally in conversation. You just don’t know a woman’s circumstance you know?
    I had a recent experience while going for my annual pap with a new gyn and the doctor says to me “tick tock when are you having kids?” I left there with the utmost anxiety as IF i needed reminding my biological clock is ticking.
    For the longest time I really thought my husband and I would be fine just the two of us however last year I had a health scare which ended up in an ovary being removed. Turned my perspective completely around as there is a difference between not wanting children and not being able to have them. So who knows, at this age and time I think I long for my first and if it’s meant to be it WILL be.
    On a cuter note: you and Keith make some adorable babies! So whatever you decide I look forward to following your story Helena.
    xx

  • Kate

    A woman’s fertility is no one’s business but her own. Agree its not appropriate to ask, whether its child #1, 3, or 6 🙂

  • Jamie

    My daughter is a week older than Nate and I too am seeing the question come up more and more now that she’s almost two. My husband is particularly hesitate to start trying again because the jump from one to two seems so scary! I personally never ask women because you never know their story. I have too many friends that have struggled with infertility to bring it up on my own. You never know how a simple question might bring enormous pain behind the scenes.

    By the way, I LOVE showing your instastories with Nate to my daughter. It’s been fun seeing a boy the same age hitting the same milestones (and relating to the tantrums ha). He’s just the cutest!

  • vanessa

    oh he is growing soooo fast!!

    http://www.thevogueword.com
    http://www.thevogueword.com

  • Francine

    Oh gosh, how much time do you have?

    We were married a long time – enjoying our careers and each other – and were constantly asked when we were having kids. It wasn’t something we were particularly interested in. Finally, people stopped asking! Fast forward to my OB warning me that fertility drops after age 35. Seemed like a dumb reason to have a baby, but we talked about it and decided to give it a try for a couple of months. We got pregnant instantly.

    My son was a dream baby. He rocked our world and it was HARD, but by the time he was 10 weeks old, I knew I wanted another. The sibling factor is a REAL thing! By the time he turned 1, we started trying in earnest. It was not an easy journey to number 2.

    4 years and 4 IVFs later, I had TWIN boys. One “dream” baby and one “oh-my-gosh-he-is-killing-me” baby.

    My older son is 13, the twins are 8. I’m not going to lie. It’s HARD. Multiples are HARD. Don’t get me wrong…I adore my boys. But I do look at families with 2 kids and I think “EASY!” That being said, it makes me so happy that they have each other. Especially since we are older parents.

    Such a personal choice! But if there’s a desire and need, you’ll know it. Do what YOU want to do.

    My mom used to say that “unless someone is paying your mortgage, they should keep their mouths shut!”

  • Margarita

    Going from 1-2 was HARD AF. I traumatized my bff about having a second. My girls have a 2 year age gale. The second one was and is just so much more high maintenance. She cries a lot. Didn’t sttn till 18m old. Had some in utero issues so has been in speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy since basically 3m old. The first 2 years with her KICKED OUR ASS. But. And it’s such a huge but. It was been totally worth it. I LOVE seeing our 2 girls together. They are amazing sister. Little sister Madeline thinks big sister Summer is the sun. They play so well together and are truly best friends. I really hope this bond continues as they grow up. Some days I wish for a bigger age gap (so that Summer really could’ve helped and understood). Some days I wish for smaller (embrace the chaos). At 3 and 5yo it’s definately a much easier , better experience. Totally worth it 🙂

    • Francine

      Yes, the age gap! That’s a really good point. There’s a 4.5 year gap between my oldest and the twins. That’s a BIG benefit. We had wonderful quality time with boy #1….he got so much attention, etc. I’m glad for that difference for sure! Now, my twins…golly, I wish there could have been a gap too!

  • Camille Cochran

    I was pretty sure I wanted 2 kids but I did not want 2 in diapers. We waited until our son was 3 before deciding to start trying. They are 4 1/2 years apart and it’s great. The oldest is self-sufficient and I’m half sane! So we have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Big brother is awesome and little brother worships big brother. Now, we get asked are we having another and I’m pushing 40 this year. Um, NO!!! ?

    • Francine

      HA! Camille, that’s funny! With three boys, I get asked ALL THE TIME if we are going to try for a FOURTH (to get a girl). Seriously, I’m well over 40, people. Are you kidding. FOUR?! That ship has sailed! (And btw, that’s usually my response!)

  • Rebecca

    We have two kids that are 27 mo apart. Currently almost 5 and 7. For us, a sibling was very important since we have siblings and know that sharing a childhood with siblings…they experience everything you do. Our kids are best friends and have a playmate at all times.
    Of course it’s a very personal choice but I would say that the thought our first was easy but our second baby was even easier. The roughest stage has been 4. They want to be independent but stil need assistance. So we had that issue with both. Children are such a blessing.

  • Paula

    This article hits close to home. We have been married for 11 years before we had Noah and those sorts of questions, when are you going to have kids? And now, when are you having second one? Are a norm. We also thought of having another child, now that Noah is 5, but we decided not too.
    Partially because I was paralyzed on my face during the first pregnancy and just recover about 80% and partially because we are just so comfortable and happy where we are now. I know that people judge us, but I stop carrying. It’s our life and we chose to live it the way we want to.
    You have gorgeous family sweetie and whatever you decide it’s going to be magnificent.
    Sending hugs ? and thanks for sharing your story, it’s honest and uplifting. Xoxo ?

  • Irene

    We’ve always wanted at least two, but didn’t think I’d have two close together (they’re 1.10 year apart). The first was a walk in the park in comparison to the second. Despite having hernia surgery and severe reflux, his personality was just super chill. The second..was sooo much more work. He was perpetually teething..hard, cried and screamed all the time, wouldn’t sleep or nap or anything until we sleep trained him, and had a stubborn personality filled with tantrums. Also, I didn’t have any help and decided to keep the older one home until preK, which I think made things harder. Now they’re 5, and 7 and can’t live without each other. It’s the greatest thing to see the love between them and the constant desire to be together. They have different personalities and complete in each other in that sense. The younger one has gotten much, much easier and is incredible, while the older now is in school and has developed a personality. They change and grow, but makes me so happy to have both and that they have each other. Due to health issues, I won’t have a third. But seeing the two of them together makes me so so happy!!

  • Nicky

    So I have two scenarios in my family…I had two kids in my twenties, both were easy, both good sleepers and they kept each other company. Apart from the early days when ANY baby is tough, it was pretty plain sailing.

    Then, 14 years later I had child 3! He too is an easy child and a good sleeper but given my age at the time we chose not to have any more. He’s now 6 and his big brother and sister have left home so he’s effectively an only child (like Mummy!).

    The pros and cons balance each other out whichever way you look at it. I would have loved a sibling, but having never had one I don’t miss it. Go with how YOU feel…and enjoy the journey.

  • Maria

    My desire to give my daughter a brother or siste was very strong. I have one sibling and wanted my kids to have at least one. Having to deal with 2 kids is a lot of work but so worth it when I see both of them together having fun and looking out for each other

  • Jennifer

    Thank you for sharing! I too have one child who is almost three and I’m in my mid 30’s. I struggle with the decision to have another. I am very happy with one child but wonder if In a few years I will regret not giving my son a sibling. And because I’m 35 I feel like I may not have a lot of time and I also don’t want a huge age gap between the two.

    • Eva

      Omg it’s like you know me. I’m going thru the same. Exact. Thing. It’s a little comforting to know I’m not the only one out there so torn about having another kid. We have a 19 month old and we’re also in our mid (35 – me) to late 30s (38 – husband). He says he doesn’t want to be 40 with an infant. I dread the delivery and the sleep deprivation and frustrations of a newborn. But I love my little one and I wish I could say let’s just do it but I love our life right now. We’ve recently travelled to Tokyo with her and planning another trip to China. We can’t imagine towing two kids around and trying to still travel and be us. Somethings gotta give I guess

  • Gessica

    So happy to read this post as I’ve always been curious but never wanted to outright ask you because it can be a very personal thing. I have 1 son and he’s almost 10 months old nowZ we will be trying for a second in the coming months but only because I’m in my late 30’s so time is not on our side. I’m scared shitless. Our son sleeps through the night but the first 3.5 months with him were horrible. He had extremely bad colic and along with everything else that comes with being a new mom it was a nightmare that I couldn’t escape. It got much better by 4 months. I’m scared to think of going back to sleepless nights because I really value my sleep. SO MUCH. But seeing my son now, I know things get better. I also feel like I’ll have it slightly more under control as I’ll have an idea of what to expect and won’t be as nervous as the first time.

  • Sara maribEle

    I have two boys (almost 4 and 17 months). Both my husband and I have a sibling…so for us it was never a question about having two. I got pregnant accidentally with my second (we wanted them 4-5 years apart as we both are with our siblings) and we were both terribly upset to rock the boat as you say, at that point my oldest was not even 2. All this to say, 17 months later and I obviously can’t imagine my life without my babies… it is hard, especially as a working mom… but after a while when they both finally get on the same sleep schedule, I do get my alone time with my husband at night and its great to see them play….and fight! To each their own though! Your happy will not always make sense to the world as long as it makes sense to you!

  • EMma

    Your thoughts on the topic match mine so well. It really is a lot to ask someone about their plans for kids when you truly don’t know what could be going on in their lives.

    I had my second baby in August so he’s now about 8 months. When you say you’re worried about rocking your world I totally get it. Bringing home our second absolutely shook things up and, as a creature of habit that craves routine, it rocked me. That being said, 8 months later things feel like we have a groove again and life feels normal. Seeing my daughter and son interact is an absolute joy. So I would say if you decide you want a second, it will probably mess up your groove for a short while and then you’ll get things back to how you like them. But hey, one is great too and you don’t need two kids to feel that joy! 🙂

  • Lisa

    I’m an on child who never ever wanted children. My husband is 7.5 years older than me and it took 8 years of marriage until I was ready to commit to having a child. In the delivery room, I fell in love and told my husband we needed another baby. We have four now and I would have had five but my husband said no way! ?

  • Michelle

    My daughter is a couple of weeks younger than your little guy. It’s so much fun watching them grow! I have 3 siblings and always said I wanted a big family , but I’m 37 and don’t foresee myself having more than 2 kids at this point. They are a lot of work! I also want my daughter to have a sibling, I’m so close with my siblings and it feel like it’s such an unbreakable bond! You do you, you do it so well! Enjoy your precious boy!

  • Veronika

    Love this read. Such an interesting topic. Our daughter is turning 1 in 3 months and both of us are in our mid thirties. And naturally, this topic is in our minds and I have been thinking on and off if having a second baby is in our cards. And honestly, I probably wouldn’t even think twice about having a second baby IF we both didnt Work full time. I think if I stayed home or if I could have taken a year or two to raise the kids, it would be a different story. It’s not even the financial aspect as much as just having someone else raise our kid. And we are so blessed because my dad is watching our baby girl but I don’t think 2 is feasible. It’s SO much Work. Sometimes I feel like… let’s get this baby on its feet first … then think about another baby lol But. All in all .. What a blessing. I prayed to have this healthy, beautiful baby girl for so many years. It’s so many thoughts that sometimes it makes you wonder .. are you selfish for not wanting to have more kids?

  • Gennea

    I totally get it. I’m 34 and we have a 15 month old son and have been trying to get preggo with #2 for 3 months so far. I always wanted a sibling for my child, especially experiencing the loss of a parent. We have given ourselves 7months to try, if it doesn’t happen before our deadline, we are going to stick with just our one kiddo. Mostly because that would make hubby over 40 if #2 shows up 10 months after that. I also consider having a kid difficult for 3 years (preggo + first year + terrible twos) so if I can overlap one of those years of shitstorm then I might as well.

    I also made it very clear that if we get another boy, that we would be “boy” parents and that there would be no “trying again for a girl” as my husband really wants a daughter. I hated being pregnant, so two pregnancies is my limit and no interest in having 3 boys! Good luck on whatever you decide, you will make the best decision for your family!

  • CHristine comer

    Omg Helena! I swear I wrote an almost identical post a month or so back! So many of the same thoughts- especially when it comes to rocking the boat!— here’s the link to it if you have a minute to read! https://thelittlegoldmix.com/2018/01/11/mamahood-my-thoughts-on-number-two/ Xo , Christine

  • Fatou

    I like that your thinking for what’s best for you and your family. That’s all that matters at the end of the day
    xx
    https://closettostreet.com

  • Bridgette

    My son just turned two and I have a 6 month old. We fell into the category of “let’s just get it over with”. It’s a total $hit show but easier than I thought it would be.
    Now that Nate is almost 2, if having another kid is in your cards, it will be a much easier transition since he can communicate with you. He’s beautiful by the way! Do whatever works for you and your family and best of luck to you!

  • Summer

    We planned to only have one especially if we got our boy – and we did! People are so shocked when we say we won’t have anymore
    kids and always say we will change our minds. We also love our alone time and two children (in our opinion) would make that nonexistent. He will have plenty of cousins to play with! Stay true to you!

  • Jessica

    Hi Helena!
    I feel like I have been following you for so long, and I have wondered this exact thing! I don’t know why I am so curious about what other moms are doing, but I think maybe it is because we are all in the same boat-trying our best to raise decent humans. My husband and I had initially talked about having at least two kids;however, we have decided that one was the right fit for us. We love our little family of three, and it makes sense for our lifestyle. We both know it would be harder to do most of what we do now with more than one. People often TELL us that we have to have another, and that all kids need siblings. It’s fairly annoying, but my reply is always the same: nahhhh. Bonus-my son has been adamantly opposed to having a sibling since forever.
    Ultimately, it is definitely a decision every family makes for themselves. I don’t judge anyone for what works in their households-I admire Moms that parent multiple kids and manage to keep their cool day in amd day out. Thanks so much for sharing this post!

  • Carmen

    My husband and i only have one, for every reason you have listed here!!! We did IVF, which was hard, but that would not have stopped me second time around if we truly wanted one. Don’t buy into that whole “giving them a sibling’ thing. So many people don’t like their siblings (I’m lucky I love mine, but I know many who don’t)! My son has so many friends and cousins so I don’t feel like he is missing out. Do what you feel is right for you!!

  • Anna

    Hi Helena!

    I had the same thoughts some monts ago when we found out that I’m pregnant again! (I follow you since my first baby was born – same year and month as Nate 🙂 I love to see Nate growing and of course your development as a mom and blogger!) So when I found out I was totally shocked and was scared that I will loose my hardly found comfort as a mom. We always talked about having another, but I felt I’m just not really ready. I was also scared that I will take away a lot of time from Lena, from myself and my husband. How can I manage a toddler and a baby etc. But after a while I realized that my second comes at just the right time! It’s not easy to face your fears and push through them, but it’s essential. I thought, I will be used to this new situation just like I did before. Now I’m very happy and can’t wait to hold a new born again! 🙂
    Xx

  • Karolina

    Hi! I follow you for a long time and now specially when when you have Nate because my son was born 4 days after him 😉 as for the another baby… I have 5 week old baby girl sleeping next to me 🙂 We planned earlier that we want to have 2 children close in age- it would be easy for them to have a bond and grow up together and to be honest the „nappies period” as I call it would be done once and for all so we did it partly for our own convenience. Besides the bigger shock was from having 0 to 1 child than 1 to 2 really. It is hard and at times very hard but in the end worth it. It is all about the routine. And when we are gone one day, they have each other, something that reminded them of us. That was my way of thinking when deciding whether to have another baby. Greets from Poland xo

  • Maria

    I only have one child. He Is a happy twelve years old boy that always talks about having a brother or a sister. But i’m In my 40’s and being pregnant at This age it’s not easy, so i’m not even considering that possibility. Think wisely about having a second child. I have one brother and it’s been very good sharing my Life With him.

  • Marie

    My first and second at 3yrs and 1 month apart and as nervous as I was about adding another it turned out to be so easy and seamless! We have two boys and they get along so well and when we are out, traveling or doing quick errands it’s easy enough to buddy up! I am currently pregnant with my third and it’s a girl, so I know our whole family dynamic will change but I do feel that you sort of know if you are done with kids because you have a gut feeling and crying babies don’t turn you off! Lol A few things I would tell my husband when we were bouncing the idea back and forth is; a baby takes 9minths to come so we would not be having one instantly, even with your best intentions sometimes it does not happen as quickly as the first or second and disappointment is the worst feeling month after month and lastly a little saying I use to tell me him was, you don’t regret having your kids but down the line you could regret not having one when you had the chance!
    Best of luck to you and what ever decisions you do make!

  • Sel

    Hello Helena, I only have one, a 20 year old son. My husband and I always wanted at least two, but medical complications prevented me from having more than one child. It absolutely broke my heart that I couldn’t have more. My husband and I are first generation Australians – our parents are Croatian. I have a brother and lots of first cousins as well, we are all close in age and live relatively close to each other. Family is very important to me and my childhood and adulthood was/is filled with lots of family get togethers, parties, engagements, weddings, holidays together – we had/have so much fun together. My husband is an only child and has no relatives living in Australia, they all live in Croatia and Germany. He hated being an only child and not having a sibling or cousins. He longed to have what a great number of Australian-Croatian children had, an extended family. He is an outgoing man with many friends, but still as a 51 year old man he wishes he had a sibling or family living in Australia.
    My son wanted siblings. He has first cousins, but I wish I could have given him at least one brother or sister. I am fortunate that he has good friends and as he was growing up I always had his friends over, staying overnight, we took his friends on outings with us and family holidays (when they were teenagers). Family and friends are so important to me. I wish I could have given my son a sibling.

  • Dan

    We have 5! We have been married 20 years this year. Our oldest is 19 and our youngest is 4. I love being a Mum. It’s the toughest yet most rewarding job ever. I am turning 40 this year 🙂 Hi from Australia xx

  • Katia

    I believe that the more you analyse it the more you will not do it….especially as Nate gets older…..
    I have two children a 4 year old and a 2 year old…..is so so so…..so difficult…..is so so so….so amazing……????? but I am sure that I don’t have the strength for a 3rd one…..!!!!!????

  • Lorna

    I personally wouldn’t worry about the age gap, Helena. My brother and I have 5.5 years between us and that’s actually worked out really well. I would think it would be a lot easier to have a second if Nate is older too. Instead of a rivalry between two because they’re a similar same age, there’s more like a bonding and nurturing instead. The older one tends to take the other under their wing and look after them, so it would be easier, well that’s how it was for me and my brother anyway. There’s no rush on the age thing in my opinion. Plus, if there is a bigger age gap, you have a baby sitter already when Nate’s older, ha ha. I’ve known a lot of people when I was growing up that had no siblings either and they were perfectly happier, if anything it made the family unit incredibly strong as the child spends more time with the parents. If you’re all happy as you are, don’t worry about it.

    I feel you on the questions though, I’m 30 this year, I don’t have children, I’m engaged, but not married yet. Due to so many medical issues that I have myself and inherited problems, some days not even being able to look after myself properly, children aren’t the route we’re going down. Being that way has meant that I have no maternal instinct at all, I do towards animals, but not babies. So I’m guessing that’s my body’s way of saying no, you’re in no fit state to be a mother. It doesn’t stop the questions though and people are extremely judgemental. Even old family friends or my mum’s friends if you bump into them in the store or something, they ask questions about when am I having children. I used to explain that I wasn’t and the horrified look I would get and the judgement used to really annoy me, so I just don’t answer any of those questions or put myself in a position to be asked them. It can be really insensitive, I know they don’t mean it and everyone’s questions are based off their own thoughts and feelings because obviously they love children and want them, but when the answer isn’t what they want, it’s not a nice situation. I completely feel you there. I had a doctor once ask about babies and I said I wasn’t having any, her response was ‘but you’re so pretty!’ and I was so confused by this. Because she thinks I am pretty that means I need to have a baby? What! Lol xx.

    https://raindropsofsapphire.com

  • Caroline

    I have a 4yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy. Having 2 is a lot of work and you don’t realise how easy having one was until you have a second child! My second was a very hard baby and still doesn’t sleep through the night over 2 yrs later BUT it was the best decision for our family to have a second child. To see the love my son and daughter have for each other just melts my heart and seeing them playing together is such a joy. So although it’s hard and some days much harder than other days, the good times completely outweigh the hard times and having my son has completed our family

  • Emilia

    I grew up an only child and loved it.. I have a half brother and sister whom I developed a relationship with as an adult but wouldn’t of wanted it any other way.. Now at 37 I have two little girls 5 and 7.. I love them dearly but would never ever ever consider having another child.. People ask and people tell me I’m still young and will change my mind—however as indecisive as I am (can’t decide on toilet paper on amazon for 20 minutes) I am so sure that two is enough for me 😉 I am finally gaining back a sense of myself and it feels good. I don’t mind when others ask as I do understand the curiosity, but with that said I usually use caution as far as prying for information from others, unless it comes up naturally I choose not to push—if they want to tell me they will and if not then it’s not for me to know 😉
    I adore your stories and Nate and will watch your tale as it develops 🙂 wishing you the best and have a lovely day 🙂

  • Lynn

    My children are significantly older-daughter is 20, son 19 and son 14. I was 30 when we got married and didn’t have our first for 3 years. The second was totally unexpected and they are 17 months apart. I have to say they are very close! My husband is an only child and I have 3 younger brothers. Having siblings as a child was a blessing and a curse. We loved each other but fought as siblings do. Now, as adults, we are joining forces to help care for our parents and the bond has deepened. I’m glad my children have each other and also that they have a close bond. I hope it continues to grow as they begin having their own families. It is a personal decision for sure!

  • Anna

    Hi Helena,
    from Europe. Well, I have brother and sister. Relationships are difficult also among siblings and also even though we are adults now with a little year gap aming us. I still feel that it is awesome that we have each other in the bad and in the good times. Especially when my father was dieing on cancer. It was great that I was not alone and we could all share the grief and cry together and help each other to go through this time, plus to lift up our mother, every one in own way. So, my son is now 2 years old, and I knew and felt that I want to give him this experience, friend for life, who will be with him after we(us, parents) are gone. So they have each other once we are gone. And even though, it was not easy with my son, I still feel that it would make no sense for em to return to work, just to get pregnant in one or two years, so we started to work on another baby when my son was 18 months and now we are expecting another one in August! We are very thrilled and scared, because we live in the city where we have no family to help us with kids, already our marriage suffers from that, that we have no partner life, no grandma in sight or nanny, but that is our life now. I have to just believe that in few years the thoughest times will be over and we could be happy about our childrens’ health, because that is what matters the most! Plus I guess we would have to finally seek some nanny for here and there to fix the partner life. Nothing comes at ease and most of the tome, considering children, women have to make sacrifices in many fields of their lifes. Unless u t filthy rich and can afford everything and everyone :))). But seeing my husband as a single child, and how selfish and not caring he is, because of the way he was brought up, I knew I wanted another child, for sure! Even though it will be damn difficult.

  • Tash

    You are so right about not all sibilings liking each other. I have a younger brother whom I’m not close with. He left home when he was very young, he was very rebellious. So for a while it was just me and I lieteraly have always felt like an only child. Then I see my husbands sisters (both are 5 years apart) and how close they are and the bond that they have, you can never get that with just anyone. I wish I would of had a sister to do things with to have my back to share some of the milestones I’ve gone threw in my life like having my first baby ( she’s 18 months old).
    So here I am seeing both sides of having a sibling that you don’t get along with and aren’t close to and the special bond my sister inlaws have. I’ve been lucky to have them in my life but it truly isn’t the same as being blood sisters. Back to the point …. I am so torn as to what to do, do I have a second do I not. Are they going to be as easy as my daughter now (she is such an amazing kid I have no complaints) is my life going to really change, how much will it change….. when should I try how many years apart should they be, is there a perfect age gap….!?
    It’s crazy to think I never wanted kids actually I hated kids, their crying, the look of them, their neediness … but then I turned 28 and I knew I didn’t t want to have my first at 30 so I realized I would regret more not having one then never having one at all. But now I feel the same about the second (will I regret it, not regret it be better off) I feel like I’m being so selfish and only thinking of my self and not her. And then you have family pressure my mom says no don’t do it look what happened with your brother. His family says are you kidding me you can’t just have one it’s not right. So I’ve started asking them if they were going to fund the second baby since it’s such a must. Man you’re think this whole mom thing only got easier ….
    Honestly I never come on blogs and read articles but this one by far has been the best article and loved reading all the different moms perspectives it’s been super helpful. P.S Can’t belive I’ve been following you since my early 20s and now your a mom and I’m a mom. Time flies

    • Tash

      Just wanted to clarify the day I had my little baby girl was the day my life changed for the better. I couldn’t live without her ! She was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

  • LYnn

    My daughter is an only child and I don’t regret it for one minute. She doesn’t fit the stereotype at all. She’s confident, independent and kind. Very comfortable being alone and is not spoiled at all. She’s very close to her cousins and never complained about not having a sibling growing up. I think you always have to do what’s best for you and your family

  • Micaela

    My son turned one a few months ago. When he was a few months old, I thought I wanted another as soon as possible, and then a third. Now that it’s time to start trying for number 2, I am hesitant. Life is getting more and more hectic, and I can’t imagine being a working mom AND being pregnant. I already feel like I am always playing catch up.

  • Sharon

    I appreciate you sharing this. My husband and I have been married a couple years now and we don’t have kids and get asked why and when constantly. I like that you have left the door open for a second child but aren’t sold. These decisions are tough and sometime you just have let things happen naturally.
    http://www.forthewonderer.com

  • Judy Nielsen

    I had two boys and if I had it to do over, i would have had the third. I am 73 years old and love being with family. Just have felt that way for a long time. Loved my career but feel I could have done it all.

  • Elizabeth

    I just had my first baby a few months ago (at 38) and the one thing that is preventing me from having another is financial. I made a huge career change about 2 years ago and it has been a struggle financially, so that is truly what is holding me back. Maybe it’s not a factor for anyone else, or maybe people just don’t want to say it, but I would have a second for sure if I was confident about our financial future. And I waited this long because of some personal struggles facing my husband and I in our marriage, and I know I am running out of time to have a second. I can appreciate others reasons for wondering if they will have more kids, but when you are struggling financially and are unsure about your future it can be a huge obstacle.

  • Anne

    I hate when people ask, which they feel like they can all of the time. We have one, who is now almost 7, and due to serious complications with her birth, I can’t have another child without a lot of scary interventions, and even then, it isn’t a guarantee. People asked all the time when she was younger, even going so far as to say I would regret not having another, which really hurt. Plus, living in Brooklyn is expensive enough with one kid 🙂

  • Jenny

    My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for years and the question of whether we are planning to have kids is the question I hate the most. I generally feel this question comes from people who have never encountered fertility issues. It’s personal and honestly heart breaking and I hope some of your readers become more aware of this and don’t ask people!!!

  • Michelle Johnson

    I grew up as an only child. I know some of my bad habits lol stem from being one. My mom (she had me at 20) later remarried and had another baby (at 37) so I do have a half brother that is 17 years younger me. It’s hard because I’m basically another mother to him. Me being 34 there’s not much I can talk about with him that he would understand. I had always wanted a sister and a big family. When I went to friend’s houses I was always so jealous when they had all their siblings and cousins, etc. over. My fiance is an only child and we both want 2-3 kids as we want what we didn’t get to have. Obviously, if there were issues where we could only have one that would be okay too. I don’t think it’s wrong either way to have an only child or a bunch. It’s just a personal preference. And yes, my mom said I was the good one and my brother was/is a handful, so I feel that if you have one good one, the other might get into a little more mischief. lol

  • Yana

    Don’t be scared that you won’t be so lucky with 2nd baby being easy one. My 1st one was easy baby, good sleeper, good eater, (almost) no screaming etc. My 2nd one is a dream baby! ? And OMG … those feelings you get with a second one, I was so shocked in a good way, its pure love, no struggles, just adoration. He is 3 month old now. The difference is 2,4y.

  • Mandy

    THANK YOU! I never ask the question and also hate it when other people do, but I get it all the time as well. I don’t have or want children, and I don’t judge others for having 0, 1, or 10! Nothing irks me more than when I reply to this question with “No, I don’t have kids and am not planning to” and they respond with “You’re still young, you’ll change your mind!” I’m not that young – 28 – certainly old enough to know I probably won’t change my mind but even if I do, it’s no one’s business.

  • Maggie

    I only wish I could have this question to think about. Our daughter was conceived in a miracle. We had 1 chance to get pregnant before my husband started chemotherapy and we did it! I had the best pregnancy despite our circumstances. We also had the delivery of our dreams in which I credit him 50%. My husband ultimately passed away as a result of his cancer when my daughter was 14 months old. I wish I could give her a sibling but I couldn’t imagine doing any of it without her father. Basically everyone has their circumstances, but to have the choice is blessing ❤️

  • Maria

    I’m 36 with two boys, 6 and almost 2 (will be 2 in May). I always thought that I only wanted one. When my older was about 2, we started thinking about a second child and started trying soon after. Long story short, I got pregnant two times and had two miscarriages 🙁 Total heartbreak. Got pregnant again and ended up having my second son in May 2016. During that pregnancy I was sure I would never want to try again, but we decided to just keep everything open. By total surprise I was pregnant again in November 2017. Complete shock but really happy of course. Sadly I had yet another miscarriage at 14 weeks in January. So now I’m torn weather to just stop or give a third (which I have already made space for in my heart) a chance? I so understand your thoughts. The bond between my two boys, even though there are 4,5 years between them and they do fight a lot sometimes, is so special and wonderful to witness. Good luck in figuring out what you will do 🙂

  • jANELLE

    What an honest post, I’m not a blogger but follows several, you and Nate are my favorite! I also wonder if you ever have a hard time or think of these things. My oldest is 16months old and I also have a baby boy 5months old, 11months apart (not planned obviously haha). I think though that if it didn’t happen, I would’ve totally been happy with just our daughter (and I came from a big family), now that I have a son I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is very hard but fulfilling. I work 10-12hr days 5days/week and still come home to change 2 diapers, prepare two different kinds of bottles so on. My sisters had their 2nd at 6yrs apart but I saw them struggle to have to start to baby phase again. What I think is that there’s no easy way into it, whether you decide later when Nate is 5 to have a 2nd one or have it now or not have it, there’s always a sacrifice. Motherhood is just something you cannot prep for, all moms are great and probably wings it half if not most of the time. Go where yours and Keith’s and Nate’s hearts take you!

  • Angelique

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’m currently 33, single, and no relationship on the horizon. When I was young, I always pictured myself married young with 1-2 kids. Until life didn’t work out that way. I ended up focusing on my education and my career, which I have zero regrets about. After some serious reflection, I’ve decided that I’m okay with my life, no matter what happens. If I find someone to love and marry, then we can have the conversation about kids. I’m not against having a kid and I’m not dying to have one either. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. I guess I’ve come to a place of acceptance with however it unfolds instead of trying to fit my life into society’s expectations. (I love kids, btw. I grew up an only child, but according to my mother, I never once requested a sibling. My mom also ran a home daycare, so any given day I had kids around from 7am to 6pm. I had a great childhood. Only children get a bad rap!)

  • Jane

    I am also an only child. My husband and I are 34 and our son will be 2 in June.

  • Kelly

    It amazes me what people believe is the business! We struggled with infertility for years, I am pregnant with our first after IVF (yay!), and am already getting questions and comments about a second (especially from those who know we have embryos frozen). I always dreamed of a big family, but think I’d be okay with this one if that’s what we decide – I’ve met tons of only children that defy the stereotype of spoiled/selfish 🙂

  • Taiwo

    I just gave birth to my baby girl on March 9th. She is almost 3 weeks old. We also have a toddler that will be 2 in May. A lot of people say “make sure you have them close, it’s easier” well im not too sure about that at the moment cause it seems so hard lol. My son has no clue what’s going on. Our newborn is almost 3 weeks and it’s one of the hardest task I’ve ever had to do in life so far. My almost 2 year old isn’t really a fan of his new baby sister and he fights for my attention so much more. Even though i do feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment and i feel at times like im failing my son by not giving him all the attention he was getting before,I’m thankful and so glad. My heart is so full. I’m the only girl in my family and i grew up with 4 brothers. I never realized how much i would have loved to have a sister until i was getting married. Yes sure you have friends that can play the role of a sister but there was always something lacking. I always told myself I’d love to have a girl some day so i can be her mother, best friend, sister and everything in between. I couldnt imagine life without her at this point. Having My first child made me want to have so many kids. Even though it is hard at times the experience of having kids is mind blowing. My husband wants to stop at 2 but I’d like another, boy or girl really doesn’t matter to me. But one thing i k ow for sure is that the work never ends when you have kids, and it’s for sure something you have to be 100% committed to. Not because others expect you to, but because you and your husband are willing to.

  • Casandra

    I have two children and I have a seven year gap between the two. Initially I was dead set on only having the one because A. pregnancy is hard, B. being a working mom is even harder and C. starting over so late in the game was a tough decision. But in the long run everything worked out great and the second time around came with such ease. I can’t imagine life without my second one. But I’m sure you guys will make the best decision for your family. And no decision is a wrong one!

  • Tracey Price

    As an only child caring for my aging parents, it’s very challenging. I wish I had a sibling to share the care/responsibilities. I have 3 kids (2 boys 17&14, 1 girl who’s 4) and going back 10 years later to have another was the BEST! It’s kept my teens close to home, they adore their baby sister. It was the best birth control ever because these teens in carpool can’t believe a baby can cry the whole ride home! Love your blog, keep up the great work!

  • Karen

    We have 3 children. After the first, I just knew that we weren’t done. Our family never felt complete yet. Then along came our son. I was sure we were done at 2. But life is so funny. Our family had a major life event where my brother was badly injured in an accident and almost died. That gets you thinking about life and how short it can be. I looked at my beautiful kids and thought how could we not try for another.

  • SoFie

    Our oldest just turned 2 medio March, and her little brother arrived the 1st of February ❤️ It’s been somewhat of a wonderful and exhausting chaos. Every other day I feel insufficient and not able to give them both what they need, but for most of the time I feel just overwhelmed with love that I never knew I could have space for in my heart. To see the two of them together makes me cry with happiness, and it makes up for the all too real lack of sleep 😉 In hindsight we might could have made things easier for ourselves if the second child would have been born NOT in the middle of flu-season with the oldest child in kindergarden, but that too did pass 😉 hopefully they will be good friends and playmates to keep eachother company through the years so that maybe we will be able to drink our coffee while its still hot sometime in the future 🙂

  • Gadgette

    My son is 3. Since he was 2, everybody asked me the same question. But nobody knows how this question hurted me. Because last year, I suffered 2 miscarriages… Today, I’m pregnant again, in my first trimester. Nobody knows that either. I hope I can talk about it soon.
    But I am

    • Gadgette

      [sorry, did a bad job].
      I agree so much with you. No one knows what m’ going on in the lives of others. Please, don’t ask sucj personnal questions. You don’t know how difficult they can be…

  • Abby

    I actually love the good side of this article, this was a very motivational post.

  • Kate

    Wow this question always seems to come up, doesn’t it?! I have 2 kids and I always get asked when I’m having a third ?
    Mine are still little (girl almost 3 and son 15 months) and the 20 month age gap has been HARD. Beyond hard…. I say 1 is like 1, 2 is like 20. It changes the dynamic a lot (particularly with your partner). It’s great for them to have a sibling and I’m loving seeing their bond develop but there are always going to be positives and negatives. In the end you just gotta go with your gut! It will all work out as it’s supposed to. Good luck ☺️

  • Jo-Lynne Shane

    I had to chime in! 🙂 I’m 45, and I have 3 kids. I would say going from 1 to 2 is a big adjustment at first. Going from 2 to 3 is not so big an adjustment b/c you kind of have this gig down pat, BUT as life goes on, 3 definitely makes things more difficult – cars, hotel rooms, everything in this world seems to be built for families of 4. You definitely become outnumbered to some extent with you have 3. Two seems so easy and manageable to me – but there are definitely benefits to having just one. I also want to make a case for some age spacing. Mine are 3 years apart, and that’s nice. Even 4 is good. You have time, is my point. Enjoy the now… and I’m excited to see how it all works out for you. 🙂

  • Alex

    Currently pregnant with my 2nd, my daughter is a month younger than Nate and my son is due early June. Someone once told me to have children based on how many you want at the table at Thanksgiving dinner as adults. You are a parent to them as adults for much longer than you are as children. Although the kid years seem long now, at the end of the day, they are very short. So do you see yourself celebrating holidays with just adult Nate and his significant other and their potential kids or are there more there? This question made me decide I wanted a big brood!

  • RachEl

    Growing up in Israel where people feel too free to ask all sort of personal questions, I got asked that question allot when I had my son. I always knew I wanted to have 3-4 children, but, not everything works as we plan. I got married when I was 32, had my first baby when I was 35 and didn’t want to rush in to having a second one right away. I wanted to enjoy my baby for as long as I wanted before a second one comes around and then everything changes again.
    Eventually we had a second baby, girl, 2 years later. My fear, much like yours, came to reality and she was more ‘difficult’ if I may say.
    Today they are 7.5 and 5.5 and often I wonder if I will not regret not having a third child. I can’t even imagine going through sleepless nights, changing diapers and all that again at this point.

  • Olga V

    I’ve actually been thinking about this very same point for a while now, and the conclusion I’ve come to is that I am not ready to make that decision. My daughter is soon to be 3 in June and she’s a tough cookie. Our adjustment to parenthood was not easy – because similar to you we were quite selfish with our time and loved to be free and travel. We did quite a bit of it before having our daughter, but have honestly not recovered since. We really didn’t too much support from our family in the first year and a half and whilst we had a nanny, her time was limited to the daytime hours. We have gone away alone once for 3 nights in the entire 3 years of her life. And yes, we do go out alone for sanity reasons….but honestly, I’d love to be able to do more date nights, and spend more time together. In addition, we live in an apt and whilst other people do it…I am simply not willing to bring another child into the mix unless we had more space or we will kill each other. I can’t quite put my finger on why I can’t be “ok” with just one at this point….but I can tell you that we will def not be thinking about another until our daughter is at least in school. What’s wrong with 1? We’re also both only children, far from spoiled. I honestly care more about my sanity and wellbeing just as much as I care about my offspring. All this to say, we’ll see! but at this point its def not anything we’re thinking about and I’m completely ok with that!

  • Shaleen

    It’s so funny, because I have three siblings and especially as we’ve gotten close as adults and the family continues to grow, I loved the idea of a big family for myself. I never understood why anyone would plan to have only one child. Then I actually had a child of my own and now I TOTALLY understand why people stop at one! Parenting tends to serve up a big slice of humble pie now and then. Haha. I am starting to think two will be enough for us because I really do love the sibling dynamic but part of me still feels wistful about a big, noisy family just because I like the idea and that’s what I’m used to. I’m trying to reconcile that vision with what I will be able to actually handle and enjoy in my life. I also recall my parents being spread very thin in every sense when I was growing up and sometimes I think having less children might mean more quality time, memorable experiences and the money to provide opportunities that we may not be able to when those resources are stretched between multiple children. Lots to think about! Love your motherhood posts.

  • Dora

    My daughter was born almost four years ago and definitely I’m the mother-with-one type. Of course I got a lot of questions about second child but I just smile and say “we are happy as it is”. Love from Poland!

  • Glori

    Having a baby was always a dream for me but I suffer from endometriosis and thought it would never happen, I was with my boyfriend who was already a father to identical twin girls and never thought it would be a possibility for me. Well I got pregnant and I couldn’t believe it!!! No one could! I don’t think I believed I was truly pregnant until I had my first sonogram! My son is truly my miracle baby. With all that being said my boyfriend decided he wanted no part of our lives and I am now a single, working mom to a 5 month old baby boy. Hard is an understatement, I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, my baby doesn’t sleep the night and I don’t really have much help with the exception of his nanny while I’m at work only. While my son was a true blessing and I can’t picture my world without him, I don’t think I would sign up for baby number 2 given my personal experience. Maybe I’m too scarred? But I do know being a working mom and a single mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

  • Stella

    Thanks for sharing, Helena. I’ve been following you for a long time but this is my first time commenting. I think people get asked this question everywhere in the world. As a single woman in my late 20s, I get asked when are you getting married a lot. Most people meant well, but are not aware that such questions can cause an enormous amount of stress for those being asked. I also grew up an only child and always wondered what it’d be like having brothers and sisters. I honestly don’t think having only 1 child is a horrible idea at all. I also had a great childhood and enjoyed all my parents’ love. If you’re not ready, don’t get pressured into having a 2nd. Like what everyone said – a woman’s fertility is no one else’s business.

    The fact that people seem to be only interested in asking these questions at family gatherings makes me want to avoid seeing them as much as possible!

  • Cristina

    I feel the same way and my son will turn 10 next week! I got pregnant at 19 and gave birth at 20. I basically “missed out” on those crazy college years. So now that my son is going to be 10 we think about having another kid but we’re so scared of starting over. And tbh we are kind of excited that by the time our son is 18 we’ll be 38 and he can party like we couldn’t party in our younger years! (Lol)

    • Cristina

      Correction, *WE* can party like we couldn’t in our younger years! Lol

  • Latoya Jones

    Great post! I recently got married and of course people are askin when are you gonna have a baby! *insert sigh** I have zero intentions of having a baby anytime soon as I am 32 and my husband is 29. I don’t anticipate having a baby until at least 37. That is an ideal age for me (us). I want to enjoy the freedom of no children and my marriage. I grew up as an only child in the house but I have half siblings from my dad. So I know both sides. But the older I get I think about just having one baby. I mean kids are darn expensive I’m sure! And I love to shop and go as I please. So hubby and I will have one, possibly two max! For now I will live as a young, and wild and free individual! ?

  • Sabina

    I felt the same way as you did.. I was so happy with just my daughter and I didn’t want to rock the boat and I couldn’t imagine life with another.. but then she turned two we really started to think about having another even though the thought terrified me. I have a brother and my husband has two sisters and I wanted her to have that even though I felt very fufilled in my life.. just as we were thinking seriously about starting to try again my husband was diagnosed with stage four non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (cancer) and our plans were put on hold. Luckily he is now a six year survivor and we do have a beautiful 2 1/2 year-old son.. we did have to wait a while before being able to conceive again after his six rounds of chemo but I’m so glad we did because I couldn’t imagine a more special little boy. Our Kids are 5 1/2 years apart but I’m so happy that we had to wait because it was a lot easier having the age gap since my daughter is such a good little babysitter. Things happen for a reason I believe, but just follow your heart. If you feel fulfilled right now then maybe you are not ready for a second.. but eventually you might get the itch like in a year or two from now.. i never thought I could love another as much as my first but your heart is big enough for more and I love them with every inch of my heart.

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    Your little secret has helped me a lot. Thank you

  • Tara

    Hi! I had a two year old in my twenties, my thirties and my forties. My three kids are 13 years apart. People always ask me, when I am with the oldest and the youngest, if it’s the same marriage. Yep! The top two are five years apart middle to younger eight years…13 total. And here is what I learned—there is no right way to have kids. Around two years everyone kept asking us too but close together did not feel right to us. All three kids had separate friends and activities but are very close with each other. Absolutely NO rivalry! Space advantage! Do what is good for you and do it when it feels right. People say silly things (worst comment with the last when pregnant at 40–“Was that a mistake?”). Each one came at a time that was right for them in the world.

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  • saseng

    thank you very good article success for everything

  • Kristina

    I have a daughter of 17 (hopefully puberty will end soon) and she gave me a hard time (and still does) when she was a small child. I always wanted more than one child but it did not work, I got divorced and then I got too old (I am 47 now). Nowadays I am kind of happy with having a healthy child. Nevertheless, my daughter always wanted a sibling because she always felt alone. But honestly speaking, having one child is much more work than 2 or 3 because you always focus on this one. Sometimes it had been so hard with her, but I also could not image a life without her, maybe it would be too boring for me.
    Do what you think is best for your family.
    I really like your blog since I have been to New York several times when I was a teenager and last time 11 years ago and I loved it (I am from Germany).

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